If this is goodbye
by andersex
Summary: She hated that no matter what she did, someone always got hurt. He hated that no matter how many times she hurt him, he couldn't stop loving her. BxC Post 1x10
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Post 1x10, Chuck and Blair have to deal with the aftermath of the cotillion

**Summary: Post 1x10, Chuck and Blair have to deal with the aftermath of the cotillion.**

**Rating: Teen**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**--**

_And day lights, craving  
Sunshine on this frozen heart  
_

She woke up with a jolt, feeling a pang in her heart as she realized where she was, and who she was with. She resisted the urge to cry as she slowly climbed out of the bed and frantically, but silently searched for her clothes. She could hear Nate waking up behind her and she rushed out of the room, not wanting to have to deal with him. She slid her heels back on and, dressed in the same dress from last night, bolted down the stairs and out the lobby doors, not stopping even when she heard Nate calling her name from the landing.

_I am wishing you well  
wondering how you are  
_

Ignoring the pain in her feet as she raced down the sidewalks, also ignoring the strange looks people were giving her, she wondered where, and with whom, Chuck had crashed the previous night. Before the cotillion they had agreed to spend the night together, dinner on the town and back to his suite for a night of romance. She remembered how he had described the romantic night they were to have and felt a sob rise up into her throat, threatening to spill out. She pushed it back and sped up as she viewed the hotel coming into her focus. Ignoring the doorman's greeting as she ran into the building, she jumped into the elevator and pushed the button for Chuck's floor. When she arrived at his suite, she rummaged through her purse and pulled out the card key he had given her, sliding it into the door.

Her whole body went rigid as she took in the room in front of her.

_If you and I are going under  
_

He woke up; his head pounding like someone was beating on it with a hammer, or a nail gun. He shook his head, attempting to make the sound go away, but it was to no avail. Chuck Bass was hung over, something that his many years of boozing had practically made him immune to. Of course _she _would be the one to make him lose his resolve, she always was the one that caused everyone to fall apart, and it was part of her charm.

The events of that night came flooding back to him in a rush. Her pushing him away, running away, in Nate's arms, kissing him, going into the room…he wouldn't let his mind go any father, he knew what they had been doing, but he didn't want to think about it, couldn't think about it. It hurt too much.

For someone who claimed that he didn't have a heart, something else located in that same vicinity was hurting like hell, almost as if it was cracking in half.

_Maybe we can both recover  
_

She was unable to stop the tears from cascading down her cheeks as she felt her body slumping to the floor, allowing the tears to overcome her. She pulled her knees up to her chin and sobbed into them, rocking back and forth as her sobs wracked her body. The entire room was trashed, as if someone had come in and had a hissy fit, throwing things around and smashing anything that wasn't bolted down. At first she would have assumed he had been robbed, if it wasn't for the fact that half of his clothes were missing, along with his favorite scarf, the one she had given him and the one that he had been wearing last night. It was then that she realized he was gone, had left town and left her.

After a few minutes she found the strength inside of her somewhere to get up off the ground. She saw something white sitting on the unmade bed, which had a broken bottle of champagne shattered on top of it, and grabbed it. She started reading it and felt herself slumping to the ground, allowing the piece of paper to fall from her hands and flutter to the ground face up.

_And find forgiveness for each other  
_

Blair,

I saw you, with Nate.

No need to explain, I understand. I was the replacement, something for you to play with while the princess waited for the prince to return to the castle. You've probably noticed I'm gone, if you're looking for your ruby ring it's under my bed in the box. I put all of your things in there just in case you wanted them back.

I'm killing the butterflies, just like you wanted.

- C

PS: Don't tell Nate about us, if you love him like I love you…it's just better if he never knows.

_Even if this is goodbye  
_

She couldn't breathe, her brain wasn't functioning. She couldn't believe this was happening. She heard a shrill scream and it took her a few seconds to realize that the scream was coming out of her mouth. She heard a gasp and turned around towards the door.

_And time heals  
_

Serena stared at her in shock, never having seen her friend look this broken before.

_But these scars keep on tearing us apart  
_

He wiped a hand across his face, swearing under his breath as he heard his phone going off somewhere in the hotel room he had booked himself into. He rolled off of the bed, hitting the floor with a thud, and crawled in the direction of his ringing phone, cursing the fact that he had allowed Blair to program his ring tone to make it something loud and annoying. Finally he found the phone and realized that he had 14 missed messages. He sighed and scrolled through them.

Four from his father, wanting to know why he wasn't in New York anymore, three from Serena, wanting to know where the hell he was. Two more from Serena wanting to know what the hell happened to his hotel room, plus six from gossip girl. He opened one of them entitled "C's gotta flee" and felt his stomach lurch. It was a picture of Nate and Blair kissing with Chuck looking on in horror that was split screened with Chuck, bags in hand, heading to the airport.

'_And sometimes ending is the only place to start  
_

"What happened?" Serena asked, rushing over to her friends' side, allowing Blair to hysterically sob/scream into her shoulder. Blair was starting to scare her; Serena had never seen Blair break down like this, even including the time that Blair had found out that she had slept with Nate. She tried to comfort her crying friend but was having no luck. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and opened it up, shocked at the message she had missed last night when she had been with Dan. She looked at the picture of Blair and Nate, then the one of Chuck, and she was really confused.

The last time she had checked, Blair and Chuck were hooking up and Nate was just kind of wandering around on his own. When had he and Blair gotten together? By the looks of things, Chuck probably hadn't been aware of the Blair/Nate reconciliation, and had taken off. She sighed, it was obvious to anyone that knew Chuck, even a little bit, and that the fling he had with Blair was more than just a fling. If he even had a heart in that body of his, it would most definitely belong to Blair Waldorf.

_If you and I are going under  
Maybe we can both recover  
_

Deep down inside he had known that they would never last, that she would never choose him over Nate, especially with his past. Sure, he had enjoyed having fun with booze and with women through out his teenage years, but it hadn't meant anything to him. Sleeping with all of those girls didn't even compare to a conversation with Blair, let alone making love to her. He knew, deep inside of him, that he had loved her, that he loves her. But maybe love just wasn't love enough, maybe being in love with someone just wasn't enough anymore.

_And find forgiveness for each other  
Even if this is goodbye_

She hated that it had taken her a huge mistake, and his departure to realized the feelings that were residing in her heart. It had hit her like a train, and she could hardly believe that she hadn't realized it before. She was in love with Chuck Bass, not Nate Archibald, the prince of the UES, but Chuck Bass, the philanderer and womanizer of the UES.

She hated this.

She hated that she loved him.

She hated that she had ruined something that she didn't even know existed.

She hated the way he made her feel.

She loved to hate him.

_If you and I are going under  
Maybe we can both recover  
_

He hated the way that she made him feel alive

He hated the fact that without her he found it hard to breathe

He hated the fact that she had made him believe in love.

He hated the fact that no matter how many times she would hurt him, he found it impossible to hate her.

He hated to love her

_And find forgiveness for each other  
_

She needed his forgiveness

He didn't think he could forgive her

_Even if  
_

She loved him

He loved her

_If what we had is really over  
_

They both knew it was over

_If fate is out there we discover  
_

She found that the tears were finally stopping, even though the pain inside of her hadn't decreased.

She tried calling him, he didn't answer. She left him a note, he didn't write back. She sent him a text message, he didn't reply. She tried to contact him so many ways; he tried to forget she existed.

_Let's find forgiveness for each other  
_

He knew he was going to forgive her, even if this was their goodbye, he would never be able to get her off of his mind.

_Even if this is goodbye_

She would never tell him, but she missed him everyday.

He would never tell her, but he hated having to say goodbye.

**AN: Chuck and Blair never get happy endings, something always goes wrong. Siiighhhhh.**


	2. Alternate Ending!

If this is goodbye: Alternate Ending

**If this is goodbye: Alternate Ending!**

_--_

_If you and I are going under  
maybe we can both recover_

Deep down inside he had known that they would never last, that she would never choose him over Nate, especially with his past. Sure, he had enjoyed having fun with booze and with women through out his teenage years, but it hadn't meant anything to him. Sleeping with all of those girls didn't even compare to a conversation with Blair, let alone making love to her. He knew, deep inside of him, that he had loved her, that he loves her. But maybe love just wasn't love enough, maybe being in love with someone just wasn't enough anymore.

She hated that it had taken her a huge mistake, and his departure to realize the feelings that were residing in her heart. It had hit her like a train, and she could hardly believe that she hadn't realized it before. She was in love with Chuck Bass, not Nate Archibald, the prince of the UES, but Chuck Bass, the philanderer and womanizer of the UES.

_And find forgiveness for each other  
_  
He needed to know, he needed to know if love _was _enough. Not knowing…not knowing whether or not she really loved him was killing her. Maybe she had just hooked up with Nate to figure out what it was that she wanted. What if she realized that she wanted him and he wasn't there?

_Shit._

_Even if this is goodbye_

She dried her eyes on the tissue that Serena had given her and fought the urge to start sobbing hysterically again. She didn't blame him for leaving, how could she? She wanted to tell him that she was sorry, she needed to apologize, but he just wasn't around.

"He left" she whispered quietly as the tears continued to run down her cheeks. "He really left"

_If you and I are going under_

leaving had probably been the dumbest thing he had ever done. He should have waited, he should have done something…anything to get her to believe that he loved her. He shouldn't have let her walk away from him on that dance floor, and he shouldn't have done something that would make her want to walk away from him.

They were both at fault; he just hoped that it wasn't too late to fix it. With those thoughts swirling through his mind, he hopped on a flight back to Manhattan.

_Maybe we can both recover_

When the plane finally touched down two hours later he headed straight to the palace, planning to drop his bags off and go find Blair. But the sigh that he stumbled upon when he got to his suite was one that would forever replay in his mind over and over and over again.

There, lying in a heap on the floor was Blair. She looked as if she'd been crying for hours, and hadn't stopped. She was sobbing into Serena's chest as Serena rocked her back and forth as if she was a baby. He felt his mouth drop open and the tears well up in his eyes as he saw Serena look up at him, relief evident in her face

_She Cares!_

He felt like slapping himself in the face. She had come here looking for him, and he had taken off because he was afraid of having to deal with her rejection. Now, because of that decision, he had hurt the one girl who mattered to him the most. Serena stood up and he took her place, carefully setting Blair down in his lap as she started crying even harder.

_And find forgiveness for each other_

"I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry" she sobbed, clenching his shirt in her fists. He rubbed her back soothingly and allowed his own tears to run down his cheeks and onto her head.

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have ruined your cotillion, and I shouldn't have left you."

_Even if_

He looked into her eyes

_If what we had is really over_

She looked into his eyes

_If fate is out there we discover_

Somehow she knew that everything was going to be okay, that even though they had both almost given up all hope on ever being together, that they would make it through and over come all the obstacles, and people, that stood in their paths.

_Let's find forgiveness for each other_

He knew that no matter what mistakes they made, and knowing the two of them, there would probably be a lot, they would always find their way back to each other even though it would be much more rational to say goodbye and attempt to get on with their lives because the love they had was stronger than anything that he had ever encountered before.

_Even if this is goodbye_

They were destined to be together, and there was no way that either one of them was going to give up without one hell of a fight.


End file.
